IF – Inventory vs Imagination

DSCN0278

If” – On condition that; in case that; allowing that; as though; supposing that

The word “if” is very tiny, however, it has the capacity to permeate our lives in both positive and negative ways. Most often it is used to take inventory of our past. When we are in a contemplative state of mind, the phrases “if only I had, did, said” dominate our thoughts and emotions. We’ve all been there, looking at our past to see what we did wrong, questioning our choices, filling our minds with recriminations and regrets. More often than not this train of thought fills us with incredibly, powerful negativity. It seeps into our pores making us feel stupid, worthless and a failure. I have spent a great deal of time in the “if only” world. Dwelling on the past in this manner has done nothing to shape my present or future. It is just an inventory of what I should have or could have done “if” and I feel so much shame and heartache at times that I can’t breathe. I can’t enjoy the present and thinking about the future, well, that doesn’t even seem possible.

I have realized at this marvelous age of 65, that I can’t change the past. Duh – no brainer, right. Well, it’s harder than you think when you have lived that way for so many years. There are so many wonderful things that happened despite bad or questionable choices that I wouldn’t change those choices if someone told me I could. The question is: can I take those negative “if only” thoughts and change them to positive thoughts that propel me forward rather than standing still, motionless, lost.

This is where imagination comes in. Trust me when I say that I have a very difficult time with my imagination. My sons are amazing – they imagine, then make it so. They draw, paint and write stories, poems, music. I have “mother” envy. Their “ifs” are followed with “if I do, go, visit, try, then (fill in the blank) will, might, could happen”. They fail at times, but they just keep dreaming and imagining the “what ifs” that lie ahead in their lives. I want this positive force in my life. How can I take some of my “if onlys” and change them to “what ifs”? Now that’s where I wish I had a bit of pixie dust to spark my somewhat anemic imagination. How do I allow myself to feel passionate about something, to open my mind to possibilities, not dismiss ideas or fear failure?

Slowly, cautiously I think I have taken a baby step. I’ve always thought about writing, so “what if” I start a blog? Ta-da! I’m doing just that, now, in the present. It’s probably one of the most difficult things I’ve tackled in a long time. Trying to find inspiration is so hard, but it gets the blood in my brain circulating, my thoughts stirring as I check the dictionary researching words that catch my attention. I’ll never be famous doing this, but that’s the point isn’t it? I said “what if” on something I use to enjoy and am giving it wings.  Even if I am not the best or creative writer, I feel a special, positive glow when I post. I’m leaving a little bit of me on “paper” – a dream, a “what if” that I’m making happen.

Maybe I need to look objectively at my “if only” thoughts and try to change some of them to “what if”? Shall I dare to dream, to imagine, to fly? If…….

DSCN0281

IF” – Lyrics by Joni Mitchell

If you can dream

And not make dreams your master

If you can think

And not make intellect your game

If you can meet

With triumph and disaster

And treat those two imposters just the same

 

If you can fill the journey

Of a minute

With sixty seconds worth of wonder and delight

Then

The Earth is yours

And Everything that’s in it

But more than that

I know

You’ll be alright

You’ll be alright.

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: